Day 3 01-16-2026
I had to jump into studying this morning. I have begun to dream about the sectional charts and weather readouts. The information is definitely sinking into my brain somewhere. In the past attempting anything with the potential to present the opportunity of failure has been written off pretty immediately. This however feels pretty nice. Not a fan of tests but for a former Adhd kid, who could never remember where his homework was, test taking became the only way to get good grades. This makes me wonder why I fail so many of the tests I'm presented with by God. Probably because his tests don't come in the form of paper and four hand crafted multiple choice answers.
1:48 pm
You really pee a lot when you're forcing yourself to drink a healthy amount of water a day. You know, come to think about it, I talk to God a lot in the bathroom. I hate it when someone talks to me in a bathroom stall even if I know them well. I should probably consider that in the future.
Anyway, I was thinking about God in the bathroom and how I have a deep feeling of wanting to hang out with God today.
I realize that the training and the skills he is having me develop will aid in the job he has for me to do yet I want to stop and hang out with God. Which makes me both excited and sad.
I'm saddened because I have never felt this before. Meaning I have never put in the time enough to feel missing Him. Which is reminiscent of many relationships I have had in my life. Some call it object permanence. Others could call it rudeness. Either way it leaves me feeling like I have neglected an important piece of what is needed in my life. Although I do not willingly “forget” relationships or the people within them, I do block them out of my thoughts. This isn't a vengeful or spiteful act its very much an involuntary action my brain does to all tasks not directly in front of me. As remorseful as it makes me feel with my human friends it takes it to an extreme level when I think of doing this to God.
How much do I love God if I forget he exists until presented with the situations I need him in? How true are my words when I say I want you at the forefront of my mind if I so easily become preoccupied with every given distraction? How can I ask him for more when I cant even give him the attention deserved. How heartbreaking it must be to the creator to be forgotten by his creations.
I often wonder what people mean when they say they can envision Jesus hanging out with them. Are they blessed with imaginations more powerful than my own? Are they able to visualize their relationship so strongly it might as well be a daily physical experience for them? I often think of the people that say they had a transformation responsible only to the connection from God to themselves. I wonder about these things because they are not my experience.
I have at times felt the presence of God around me. Some places seem permeated by the presence. Some people seem to carry it with them. But for the most part I do not have the ability to see him with me. Perhaps this changes if I keep him in mind more often. Perhaps I will be able once the object permanence disappears and in its place He can dwell.
Talking to a friend on the phone about our own specific but overlapping callings we discussed Peter. How he had a relationship with the living God. He probably had one of the closest relationships to God while Jesus walked here on earth, and even he sank when his mind began to doubt. For those waters would surely kill him but he said if it was Jesus who called to him he would exit the boat and walk on the waters. So quickly he went from panic, to belief of rescue, right back into doubt. He doubted so much and so quickly that the relationship and the circumstances meant to save him could have killed him.
Father, I know your plans for me are for your benefit. I no longer want to be distracted from your presence. To be easily taken away from what you say is important. I believe in your ability to speak and to guide your children, I believe you lead me to greater not into worse. I pray that my mind is able to be calmed during the storms. When doubt, anger, fear, or struggle present themselves I pray your Spirit is with me. To silence the winds that try to blow me off course. I pray that instead of forgetting the works you deem important I am rejuvenated by the ideas of you Lord. I no longer wish to be a creation that forgets his creator instead I pray to be a creator creating alongside you. I pray that if it is in your will, the ministry you have placed in my mind will one day sprout up. And I pray it never ceases to do your will here on earth. That it never stops producing creations inspired by you. I pray that one day you bring me your sheep and allow us to help them in any way we can God. In Jesus' Holy name I pray. Amen
3:48 pm
Hunger growls like a lion waiting to devour.. wait that wasn't hunger. The enemy… the enemy lurks and my belly hurts. It's only been two days and I miss meat. Don't know if I would have even eaten any if I wasn't fasting but at this moment not being able to scarf a burg really makes me miss and appreciate cows. I really do have to study but my focus is anywhere but this FAA test. How will I ever be a Maverick if I can't focus on Goose? Wait, can we legally eat goose?
4:59 pm:
The children grow restless. It must be dinner time. I can hear Heather in the kitchen, the screams of demanding children being taken over by the primal urge to attempt to shove food in their mouths come from around the house. I'm convinced the screeching is a form of unyielding echolocation.
All of us, deep down, know the food will somehow end up in their diapers before digestion has anything to do with its transportation. David Blaine street magic has nothing on their abilities. A curious phenomenon with children, all that diaper food. And yet still they scream as their mother attempts another macaroni and cheese. They had that last night. Apparently it was not good because the cheese melted wrong. I'm no iron chef but it looked good to me.
Tonight's will likely be just as enticing. Oh how quickly one forgets his lactose intolerance. Oh how one doesn't mind the discomfort of things that don't serve him yet somehow brings gluttonous pleasure. I'm displeased by the discomfort that grows me but welcoming to the discomforts that hinder me. Seems disjointed to me. I should probably pray on it.
God you call us into wilderness seasons with the purpose being discomfort. A discomfort designed to draw us closer to your kingdom while here on earth. In each season of wandering I find myself prolonging my visit with the things no longer serving my life. The things that fill my time are bringing less and less pleasure and more and more - sameness. God you tell us that it is in you we will find our peace, rest, love, and grace. Yet my mind and flesh decide to place me outside of your will more often than not. This can not be the way any longer. God I need you, as I breathe I sin. As I sin against you my life crumbles, my joys plummet. My life ceases to bear any fruit. I need you now as much as ever. My self is unreliable, in your grace I'm made clean, rested, and full. Guide me, my God, forgive the past and carve new paths before my feet. Amen
5:34 pm :
That is the best looking macaroni and cheese I have ever seen.
Of course it is.
5:53 pm :
My tummy doth protest too much.
I gaze upon my child's high chair and am enticed by chewed and spit out beets.
My hunger is clearly stronger than I anticipated.
To create or not to create? That is the conundrum.
What am I here to create? What did the creator place in front of me to create for his glory? While this answer has taken a drastic turn as to the scale I am told to build, the foundation has remained the same since he placed it. Photography. I'm here to take photos that show God's creativity off to the world! My joy, my peace, my escape has transferred from alcohol to an all encompassing outlet. Not to toot my families horn too much but we have some artistry running through our blood and art has always been a part of my family members lives. My aunt Patti is a painter, her works are incredible and hang in many of our homes. Her daughter is an awesome baker and can play music. My aunt Debbi, the same one mentioned previously, is a photographer as well.
Art was always important to me. It broke my heart the day someone took, or I misplaced, my leather bound sketchbook. A Christmas gift in high school, I carried it everywhere. Filling its pages in black and white drawings inspired from dreams of professional paintball, Red Wings hockey, and anything else my teenage mind was into. I remember that loss still today. The hours that disappeared into nothing but a memory only I carry.
That's not art's intention.
I also carry the disappointment I felt when told that art school wasn't for me. Removing the fact that the cost was too high for me to attend an art school in the first place and focusing on one message that I carried from pupil to adult. I wasn't right for art. The enemy is great at word play. He has been playing with the word since before his fall.
All it took for the enemy to get me side tracked was one ill interpretation of a message, from someone I looked up to. I know now my art teacher had absolutely zero interest in shooting down my future in art. She had the positive intention of helping me realize that if I went to art school I would be around many, many people that did not appear or think the same way as I did. (Turns out that was the same for community college as well… I wonder what that says about me?) She would have been 100% correct by the way. However, that isn't what I heard. Her message, “Art school may not be right for you.” Turned into “You are not right for art.”
That simple lie would take my ability to draw, my desire to write, my interest in cameras, and photography from a possibility to a bitter memory. Leaving resentment I wouldn't even realize was with me until I needed to get rid of it in rehabilitation.
Rehab was where I first heard the saying “what the enemy takes God restores double.” you hear a lot of cliches in rehab but this one stuck. Mainly because it was said to me in relation to my daughter that passed and that circumstance kinda made me angry. (How blessed am I now to look at what he gave me and to see how true the words were.) Whatever it takes for the important bits to sink in, I suppose. As much as I don't like cliche statements, this one has actually been one of the true ones.
God gave me an opportunity within the program I wasn't supposed to have (how often do we see that in scripture?) in order to get me to clean a closet in which I would find a camera. From there a spark ignited a dormant passion. I asked the woman in charge of the marketing department if I could use the camera. She, thankfully, didn't see me as unfit for art. Instead she saw the desire to create. She chose to stoke that flame, not extinguish it.
She encouraged me. Although my work may be “too painterly” for marketing materials her criticisms never felt like criticisms. (That in itself is a character trait hard to find. I'm so glad she was such a wonderful example of it in action.) She would leave post-it-notes with encouraging passages, or notes on my photos, as well as my writing. If she agrees to it, she will one day read this and know it is her belief in me that the Lord used to show me, through his plans my happiness reappears. It is this type of belief I desperately need in my life. It is what I want to create and nurture for others.
Looking back at the last 5 years I can tell you God has taken me all over the world with my camera. I have been to L.A., Montana, all over the south east US, Nicaragua. Every place I have agreed to follow Him he has shown me. Through my camera he displays what is and isn't important. I am blessed for every connection he has made for me. Through the marketing department I found Montana and spent time shooting a documentary about men in early recovery. He led a small group in a church praying over my written requests for work. I would work for a member of that small group a few years later when he would help start a media company. I have been able to work with bands and music festivals, everything I have prayed for has presented itself in opportunity brought about by him. He has even blessed me with the privilege of shooting the weddings of men I graduated NLB with. I've been on a mission trip out of the country to help see and learn from his believers in Nicaragua. He showed me that when I follow His plans my own become less desirable.
I was very happy with the position I held at my previous company. I felt, and still feel, that it was a blessing from God. A gift that, at the time I loved the best I knew how. Now, as some time has passed from my end date, I still look back fondly on the time spent with them. God taught me so many things during my two years that it is actually pretty amazing to think about. Yet it was only for a season. A season I may or may not have taken for granted.
That was a tough one. What seemed so divinely inspired one day is gone the next? This was a lesson as well. Remember who gave you the goods. Remember to whom those blessings came and belong.
Remember your creativity is a blessing from Him used to aid in creating for Him. If you take it for granted it will be given to those who don't. God doesn't need you to do something he wants you to want to do something with Him.
If a conversation I had with a high-school art teacher derailed my desire to create so well, how do you think losing (reads fired from) a job you not only feel was God appointed but that you have told people it was God appointed, affected me?
For a couple days, it wasn't that great. Got to be honest. It was a kick in the nards.
Truthfully on paper that would have been the worst time for me or anyone to lose a job. The mother of my children (and the kids) had moved in the year prior and we were expecting their brother in April. I was fired in February.
If I let myself I can go back to that day. Mouth dry, walking to my car knowing I'm about to have to call my children's mother and tell her I can no longer provide for the household we have, let alone any new additions. That I had moved her away from what she knew just to fail immediately.
I don't revisit the memory often. Little did I know it was an answer to a different prayer.
I do things backwards. Mazes. Puzzles. Sometimes working a problem backwards is easier than forwards. Or that's what I tell myself. My family is no different. Heather and I did not meet with the intention of being married, having children, or doing much other than the secular defined dating that is common now. We were both on our own healing journeys and we both made decisions.
She let me know that we had twins on the way. I remember the text message coming through and the weight of it sinking in. She would be going to a treatment center of her own and I would not have contact with my children for a year due to us doing things backwards and not being married. So I didn't see them. For someone that loves photography as much as I do, the photos and videos weren't enough.
I prayed that given the chance to have another baby I would want to be present for all of it. I told God how sad it made me to not have them. For my children to not know me. I'm blessed that they will not remember the time they didn't know me. Yet for me, for the twins, I missed out and due to my choices I had sprung an entire life (two actually) of responsibility onto someone else I barely knew and she was now doing this part alone. I remember praying to bring them to me. And when I got the opportunity to bring them home to me, I did.
Probably did that backwards too but God did honor my prayers. As I continued to sin against Him he still answered. My sins dragging her along with me as I had done to the people in every relationship in my past. (Sin doesn't like being alone. It feels too gross alone. And once it doesn't feel gross its too late.) We soon had another child on the way. It wasn't long after sharing the news with my boss that I was being let go. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A four year old, two twins under the age of two, a baby on the way, rent, bills, and no job.
That sounds like the furthest thing from God having my back. At that moment the devil could have twisted words yet again and he almost did. This time though I heard God clearer than ever before.
“Do not become bitter.”
All the enemy had to do was get me to agree to omitting one word. All I had to do was give in to every response that had previously practically become instinct. Anger, resentment, and bitterness could have won. It feels good to the flesh to become angered. It is one of the easiest emotions to display.
Instead I accepted an invitation into something new. I asked God to show me what was happening and for a while the answers I seemed to receive were in the form of someone else needing money I no longer had. Each bill, each rent date, each expense piling to a point so overwhelming that I had no choice but to ask for help. Not another one of my strong suits but it was another invitation to become new.
We are not meant to do things alone and a lot of the time the relationships we spend the most effort to get out of, and escape, become the relationships that are vital to our success somewhere along the way. It's humbling and uncomfortable asking and allowing God into these spaces. But if we ask Him he will clean things up. It starts with prayer. The same way He calls to us to join Him we are able to ask Him to do the same. It was one of the bigger asks I had made, but once money dried up and I had expended every option available to me, I had no other choice but to let God show up.
Money from accounts I hadn't known existed was given to us. Churches I have served with collected for us. Family gave to us. Friends gave to us. This entire year including Christmas was all from situations God moved in. He did it for us! We aren't married (yet), we miss church, we don't serve every opportunity, and yet he loves me and my family members so much that he used my hardship to unite us. To unite an entire front of his people for my children's betterment. That is a great God that is the God I fast to. That is the God I pray to serve. That is the God I hope you know. That is the very God I have to tell others about.
God gave me months off of work. Not every moment of that was enjoyable. I was very depressed. Sometimes for as lazy as I can want to be, there is a deep discomfort that comes with failing to adequately provide.
Again that place of discomfort was an area for God to draw me closer. It was never within my own self imposed struggles that I found any successful outcomes. It was only due to him that I had a good starting and ending point. During each moment of fear or frustration God was preparing me to turn to him for support. For him to provide the invitation for me to join him in the success he intended for me.
In the time off he decided it was my time to go abroad and see what some of his people go through. It was on this trip to Nicaragua as a camera man that I was able to witness faith in action. Once again photography became the way he connects me to his creation. While showing me that my expectations are too limited. My world is too small. He could and wants to show so much more that's why when we ask for the things that are in line, He shows his children his power.
I'd love to tell my family (and yours) that I am gainfully employed and that my photography has provided ample resources for my family. That would be dishonest. I am still using my camera. The very one he gave me in rehab. I shoot real estate photography and am able to pray over homes going on the market and take photos that hopefully help sell the place. I get to serve with my church once we are married, weddings of friends, and one off events still pay some bills but its slow. So recently I have become more aware of the intention I have when I shoot. Instead of money I want Him. I want relationship with the one that created me to love this artform. I want to create with Him. I believe that he will honor that in time. But for now I must be alright with following his invitations into becoming something new in order to create something new.
The ministry he has placed on my heart would serve the people that are lost creations searching for their creator through their own creativity. A place where people create offerings of art rather than idols. A place for comrades and mentorship. Discipleship and art. Very few places sound better to me than that. I pray it may be real. No one should be able to think of their art as only a memory of something they did. Their creations help tell stories. Stories of love, pain, resilience, perseverance. Stories that clearly God loves telling or they wouldn't be the same themes as the bible and I truly feel God invites us all into that. He doesn't want anyone else believing they aren't right for art.
God, I see the paths my life have taken during the time I have known you. I see the doors you close and the doors you open. Lord I see where your foresight beats my hindsight. I pray tonight God that you allow me to help people realize you are constantly working to help us find our places of belonging. We are not meant to be here forever but while we are you call us to love and support one another. I see your influence and your inspiration reflected within my own life. Seeing where your importance falls on the people not a product. I thank you for every moment you have given with my family as well as every one spent behind my camera. I thank you for every answered prayer and every moment that I did not know what to do. Every moment that I turned to you, you were there to meet me. Thank you God for loving me enough to provide the comforters, challengers, teachers, and friends along the way that help me when feeling alone. Thank you for the desire for my children to know better than I did. Thank you God for time. Please instruct me in ways I can better use the time I have left. And I pray I'm able to show someone something you need them to see. Amen.
9:30 pm.
Salad. Salad. Salad.
I wonder if it is normal during fasts to not want to eat when it is time to… this isn't one of those but it could have been. Hmm. Ponderables…
I'm going to eat and sleep. These tests are hard. For not being able to speak clearly into microphones pilots sure do have to be smart.
God thank you for the gifts you give us. Even depriving ourselves brings us closer to you. Thank you for allowing me to learn this. I am sorry it took me so long. I have never chosen to humble myself before you and I was never sure how, so I asked, and you showed me. You show me you are more real the more you show me I don't know. Thank you God. Amen.